Why Addicts Keep Relapsing
Recovery is possible for all addict / alcoholics
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Phase OneBeginning recovery/ Entering Treatment (The faking Phase / Go-along-to-get-along) This phase is about pretending to have it all together – Can’t show any weakness.
Superficial Characteristics
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Transition period⇓The superficiality of Phase One can continue up to 1-5 months. Pretending to change. Trying to look good on the outside but not actually doing anything different.
Eventually, the pressure of living a double life builds until they can no longer suppress it. The resistance to change has become so great, they must either manipulate a rescue from their family or they will explode and gain a full release of emotions (this is when real change begins).
If the family falls for these “perceived injustice claims” and rescues their adult-child, even if they simply sympathize with them by agreeing with the Addict in their “injustice” claims, the alcoholic/addict will relapse sooner or later. These are the facts!
Without Change it’s not possible to get different results!
The Addict/Alcoholic creates their own distress and chaos through “Crisis Building”Crisis building is a technique that every Addict/Alcoholic has perfected as a method of manipulation. The sole intent is to get what they and to avoid personal responsibility Playing the victim of an Injustice is well-oiled tool for the Addict/Alcoholic. Until the Family stops reacting to it and starts redirecting the Addict/Alcoholic back into their own personal responsibility for every situation, nothing will change.
The Chaos Continues!When ‘crisis building’, the Addict/Alcoholic is not actually experiencing anything that others don’t have to deal with. The difference, however, is simply the Addict/Alcoholic has never applied skills towards problem-solving, but rather, only to avoid problems by seeking a rescue. They have simply mastered the art of instant-gratification and impulsivity. Crisis building has also become a tool-of-manipulation when seeking a rescue. I’m sorry parents…But, this has worked in the past and that’s why the Addict/Alcoholic keeps using it. Irresponsibility is literally killing the Addict/Alcoholic Until the alcoholic/addict completes a real transformation, they will always default back to what they know during times of stress…Drinking & using! ⇓ |
Phase Two
Faking has run its course (typically by day 30-90)
- Show more negative aspects of their personality -more defiant-more secretive
- Openly displaying their discontent. Want everyone to know how turned-off they are
- Elitism kicks-in, believe they are “too good” or “better-than”
- Use the phone to complain to their families about how “tough” their situation is
- Keep self-distracted with busyness, gossip, complaining
- Slack on things they used to excel-at
- Still haven’t done anything significant towards their recovery
- Seek-out allies to agree with them in their gossip (now a danger to group-mates)
- Paint picture for their family that they are always a ‘victim” of some injustice
- “Nobody understands me”,
- Complaints & manipulation with their families increase. All conversations at this point are intended to invoke victim-hood- to get family to “rescue’ them. (old technique but families fall for it)
- Resistance to surrender is at all time high
- Excuses are in full force; Complain-Complain-Complain / If only, If only, if only…
- Anxiety is building, which causes cravings and irritability
- No regard for how our behavior affects those around us.
- Say “I’m not even thinking about drinking” (While secretly figuring out how to drink or use)
- Tell families they are the “only one in rehab who takes it seriously, and therefore must be able to leave, at once!))
- Become more demanding
- Easily break commitments- Words have no meaning
- The mental pressure is so great at this point IT’S ABOOUT TO EXPLODE…
BOOM…
THEY SEEK A FAMILY RESCUE, RUN AWAY,
OR OTHERWISE RETURN TO OLD BEHAVIORS
This is avoided when the Addict/Alcoholic believes that “if they run away” from any responsibility (including rehab) they aren’t welcome at home, no more car payments, gift cards, rent, gas money, nothing!
If the family’s words haven’t had much meaning then the Addict/Alcoholic won’t believe and will continue to test this
Solutions are coming, keep reading
In 18 years of working with Addicts and Families I have heard this statement a 1000 times…
“My parents don’t really mean it. They seem serious but they always give-in. I’m just riding it out”.
Families have to recondition the Addict’s thinking. This takes time and requires guidance from professionals.
Justin’s Lighthouse excels in working through this dynamic between families and the Addict.
Yes, there are loving ways to present boundaries, and when moderated with addiction professionals the chances of having a positive impact are far greater than if the family simply says; “you do this or we disown you!”
More Examples of Manipulation
These usually involve pulling on the heart strings of Mama-Bear.
We recommend Al-Anon to learn how to overcome enabling behaviors.
When enrolled at Justin’s Lighthouse families are part of the process
- “We never do any groups!”,
- “There’s no food here”
- “Nobody understands me”
- “My Counselor doesn’t know what he’s talking about”
- “My roommate is so messy”
- “I’m the only one who is serious”
- “I’m doing great, everybody else is slacking”
- “I just need to go home so I can fix all these problems”
What’s happening in this manipulation scenario is the addict is trying to convey a picture of injustice and great discomfort. Can be physical or emotional.
This technique has worked for some time to trigger a quick, swift reaction of rescue by the family. Even an emotional rescue can keep the addict stuck.
Example of emotional rescuing
‘Oh, you poor baby! – it sounds like people are being mean – doing you wrong” This affirms the addict’s “victim-hood” status and is a good way to keep them from ever growing up.
Underneath the manipulation is really an effort to avoid personal responsibility.
Irresponsibility drives Addiction!
Healthy Family response
Instead of reacting to the Addicts emotions (attempt to manipulate), it’s vital that families redirect the Addict back to the solution…
Such as, practicing the new coping skills they are being taught.
That’s why they’re in rehab!
They don’t have a drug/alcohol problem, the Addict has an irresponsibility problem and drugs & alcohol is their way of coping
Redirect – Redirect – Redirect
“I’m really sorry, son/daughter, that you’re having this experience.
What are you learning at rehab that would help YOU work through this problem?”
Remember, it’s not a real problem. It’s a manipulation to get family to rescue them, once again, so they can avoid having to continue in any serious work.
A re-directive response will begin to reprogram the Addict’s brain that it’s time to grow-up
This is key if lasting-recovery is ever to be achieved!
Phase 2 ends with an explosion or implosion
The level of intensity increases until they…
- Run Away
- Get Rescued by Family to resume their addiction
- Sticks it out and has a break-through, a release of a lifetime of bitterness, anger, and self-centeredness
The chance for real-change increases exponentially if the Addict/Alcoholic is enrolled in a long-term program.
This crazy cycle will happen while they are still in rehab and most like push through it, as long as the family doesn’t rescue them.
The Addict cannot believe for one second that you okay with them breaking yet another responsibility
And then, you better be willing to make your words have meaning and cut them off!
This could be the difference between them living or dying!
We’re talking about Adult-Children, here…
Definition Of ADULT
“A PERSON FULLY GROWN OR DEVELOPED”
Let’s be honest, it’s not easy growing up, and yes, there is absolutely genetic factors involved with Addiction and Alcoholism.
As result of poor coping skills and immaturity, the addiction is manifested through bad behavior. When the behavior is changed, the thinking will follow, which ultimately allows for the brain to heal.
New perspectives are gained, and self-esteem is developed
Families must stop rescuing bad behavior! Nobody has ever been comforted or nurtured into recovery. I’m not talking about “tough-love” either.
‘Rescuing’ is robbing the adult child of the opportunity to learn-HOW for them-self
The Addict/Alcoholic is very sick and needs to be treated as suchThere are so many factors involved in achieving a genuine transformation that it rarely happens outside the realm of serious professional help. Programs that have the expertise, knowledge of lived experienced, and understand the science of addiction, to truly have lasting impact |
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| Now, for the moment of truth in every Addict’s journey… |
What Happens Next is Life & Death
This is the most crucial point in any addict/alcoholic’s life.
This is that moment in life where the Addict must finally make a decision for themselves that could change the course of their life (if they choose right).
Usually what happens once the family stands firm, holds their ground by empathizing while redirecting the Addict/alcoholic has a break-through!
“We love you, but we aren’t helping you self-destruct, anymore”
When this moment happens while still in treatment, the
Addict/Alcoholic has the benefit of professionals to move
Them through this period (while coordinating with the family)
Everybody stays on the same page, thus, moving the Addict into the ’right’ lane, instead of their own impulses
Break-Through, Recovery continues!
Welcome to Phase Three!
When the real work begins!
Typically happens from 6-9 mos of sobriety
You can learn more about Phase 3 by enrolling in the Justin’s Lighthouse recovery program
We teach families how to grow & heal!